I never imagined myself exclusively pumping. I always planned to breastfeed and that was it. I didn’t educate myself because I relied on what I knew as a labor and delivery nurse. Also, I put my trust in the hospital’s lactation consultants to help me out. Until I had my baby on my breast, I realized it was more than just picture perfect.
I gave birth early morning, which meant I was laboring all night and the previous evening. I was grateful the dayshift nurse called the lactation consultant (LC) ASAP after I gave birth, but I didn’t expect her to show up 7 minutes so soon after pushing a human out of my body. She immediately put Isla in position; however, she was not interested at all. The LC explained to me that it was ok and that I could try again in 3 hours. She tried to give me an introduction to breastfeeding lecture, but I was literally falling asleep. Straight up disrespectful, but I just gave birth. She took her cue and said she would see me on the postpartum side later that day.
I didn’t know if Isla was latching correctly; however, my nurses reassured me I was doing everything right. And the fact she was peeing and pooping was proof she was getting what she needed. I struggled putting her on, getting her in a comfortable position as well as making sure I was cozy as well. I didn’t know it was going to hurt as much as it did, but my lactation consultant praised that. Too happy for my taste, in fact. To be honest, I didn’t feel like I had a good relationship with her. Even though I asked to see her every day, I wanted reassurance from her that everything I was doing was correct. What made me so confused was that each nurse was telling me something different and then the consultant would tell me I was doing it wrong. Things such as positions, how long to she should be on, etc. It annoyed me so much that it made me believe I was completely incompetent in breastfeeding.
My first night postpartum Isla wouldn’t sleep for longer than 20 minutes. My husband spent the night at our house and I was left alone with a newborn in the hospital. Even though my mom was there, I still felt like I was stranded. We took turns holding her and I tried putting her on the breast, but I was so tired that I didn’t know if she was getting anything and that I was just making matters worse.
It didn’t come crumbling down until my first night at home when my nipples hurt like hell and it literally burned to feed that I gave up.
What was I doing wrong? Who can help me? Why isn’t this coming naturally to me?
My house was crowded with family and I just wanted to breathe. I felt like every person that walked into my house was there for Isla and no one was there for me.
I cried rivers because I feel like I let down my daughter. I convinced myself that I was a horrible mother because I could not naturally feed her. I could not do what a mother is supposed to do. I was a complete failure. It was like I was drowning and couldn’t swim up for air.
In hindsight, it was my pride that took over. I gave up too quickly.
If I had to give a reason to why I didn’t continue breastfeeding was because I didn’t have support. Sure, there were breastfeeding support groups, but who was going to drive me? I wasn’t allowed to drive, per OB’s orders and my hubby was already back to work since he didn’t have paternity leave. AND, I don’t have any family in the area. So I was alone and filled my mind with thoughts that I was not good enough to be Isla’s mother. (Not the greatest mindset for someone who just gave birth whose hormones are raging all over the place.)
I thought I had the case of baby blues. I cried every night the first week home from the hospital. I was upset and angry at myself and the situation I was in. I had support in friends miles away but I needed physical support. Someone to hug me back and tell me I’m doing the best I can. Mostly, I didn’t want to let Isla down. I thought I would be breastfeeding her, be that happy mom giving her baby the best nutrients that you see in pictures and in the end, I chose to pump exclusively.
Pumping didn’t hurt, I had control over my schedule, plus I liked to know how much she was getting. I would essentially pump when she fed, every 2-3 hours. I would lay her on my lap, feed her a bottle, while pumping. Once she got too big to stay on my lap, I would feed then pump. I would feed her the the milk I pumped a couple hours previously. The first couple months I pumped every 3 hours, slowly dropped down to 5x a day when I went back to work.
I always think, if I had support…if I had someone helping me…or if I had just believed in myself…I would be breastfeeding today. But I made a decision that I don’t regret one bit, because I am essentially breastfeeding…without the breast. I had push back from family, even my pediatrician about my choice but it works with my schedule. Yes it is 10x more work, but I found support in other mamas who exclusively pumped that’s why I’m still going 6 months strong.
Moms have said to me “I can’t believe you’re exclusively pumping, I can’t imagine doing that.” Well, I can’t imagine you breastfeeding! I believe as mothers, we do what we have to do in order to take care of our children. Period. That’s why I don’t think exclusively pumping is hard. Because I’m doing what I need to do to feed my daughter.
Yes, I will try and breastfeed my next child but if it doesn’t work out, I don’t mind exploring exclusively pumping again. Because it works for me and Isla is growing and healthy as can be. In the end, that’s what matters right?
